Fun Science Fiction: Fangs

This movie got me in the first five minutes with a blatant act of cat massage. Yes, I said it. Cat massage. The forbidden massage. Right there, in the veterinarians office. And that's not all.

Before the cat massage we get two bimbos being attacked by bats in a lab. This takes work since the bats are all safely caged. But bimbos being, well, bimbos, they find a way. These experimental bats get lose and we have a movie.

Director: Kelly Sendefur
Writer: Jim Geoghan
Cast: Corbin Bernsen, Tracy Nelson and Whip Hubley

Lackluster Subject Material

Bats. Scary bats. Really? This subject matter has been retread so many time it leaves an undeniable track on any horror movie fan's soul. So when I began my viewing I had rather low expectations.So do something with bats now. Do it. Do it. I dare you.

But I was surprised.

I'm not sure how this movie does it. Dialogue and actors help a lot, as goofy as it is.

We quickly learn that 500 experimental bats have been released. And we see the two main characters introduced to the audience - police investigator lady (Parks) and veterinarian (Jon Winslow, the town's animal control officer) and they give a performance just this side of an SNL skit. Well, I was amused anyway. Maybe I have a mineral deficiency. Oh, and there's a cop that doesn't want to see the gory crime scene. Parks says "I wonder where the bats went" and on cue we cut to a construction site at night.

Did I mention Winslow is a bit of a dick?

The construction site is under guard by a pair of equally trained individuals. One security guard and his buddy Omar (a doberman) are doing the rounds when they get a visitor, a Mr. Heart.

Enter the corporate ahole owner. Note how the dog knows an ahole when it sees one.

This is the precise moment I began cheering for the bats. And Omar.

After a somewhat abusive exchange of words, Mr. Heart leaves the two. A moment later guard and guard dog hear a noise and they are off to investigate! You will feel the suspense.You will witness antics. You will wonder why some people are licensed to carry a loaded weapon.

When that's all done we have a bigger problem. The bats are there, it's night, and it looks like they're waking up (if only Omar had thought to look up, look up, he could have barked out a warning). And the guard, thoroughly chagrined by his own idiocy, ties up Omar near his truck and settles in for a quick nap.

Naps are great. I love naps. Too bad he really doesn't have time for one.

The bats attack. First they swarm the truck (right, they swarm the truck). Faithful Omar breaks free and attacks the bats. Final score is Omar, 1, bats, 1, and since there was only one Omar and lots of bats you can probably figure out who won that fight.

As the security guard watches the Omar buffet he has such a curious look on his face. Like, yup, I knew they'd do that! Or, glad I didn't let him in the cab! It's almost funny. Maybe he's thinking "This was probably the best time to take a nap I have ever ever ever had!" Personally I vote for number 3. But he does take dead bat bit Omar to the veterinarian (Winslow).

Now we get to witness police incompetence at work. Det. Parks boss is giving her the third degree and we learn the good Det. Parks is from the "big city" so little old city sheriff thinks her idea that the lab death was a strange kind of homicide and not an accident is ludicrous. I now have a second person I'm cheering for the bats to meet.

Winslow calls Det. Parks in on the chewed up Doberman. We learn these genetically engineered blood drinking bats aren't just drinking blood, but eating the flesh of the victim. We also learn their saliva can put the victim to sleep or numb them out (I always look for that in a victim, it cuts down on the violent thrashing about mess factor). Figuring bats are in caves the two of them decide to go to the biggest most obvious cave in the country.

Donning "special" bat protective gear, they enter the cave. We learn more about their characters, and we learn Det. Parks doesn't like bats. Armed felons fine, bats not so fine. Onward, into the cave where fun will be had by all, especially after the malfunctioning lamp goes out and Det. Parks lights a flare.

While exiting the cave Winslow's daughter (a budding video journalist who's onto the bat sucking story) catches them on video. Winslow handles the situation.

This short series of scenes are amusing for a movie like this. Is it quirky characters? Chemistry? I'm still not sure. I do know the next few scenes make me cheer for the bats again and again.

Parks and Winslow investigate the bat lab.

Investigating the lab ranks up there with some of my favorite scenes. It turns out quite charming.

Cut to the bat chow, I mean security guard out in the woods guarding an illegally purchased acquisition. For reasons unimportant, he deserves to be bat chow. And so it happens. We also see a bystander in the shadows and a mysterious device. Pay attention.

Back to the lab with more hilarity. We see the dynamic duo seem to find what they need.

Next morning the dynamic duo meet again, at the security guard bat buffet, the dead former owner of Omar. This time the victim took a couple of bats with him and they have bat corpses to examine. The "begging for a bat" scene is my number 2 favorite in this movie.

Winslow and Parks examine a bat in his office. It wakes up when they're not paying attention, right after Parks leaves. Soon you will learn that bats make cute purring noises and they always jump out at you when you least expect. Especially this bat. It's one bad mo fo. Being a veterinarian, Winslow has just he right tool for this problem and quickly dispatches the crazed with with a tennis racket. 

Things aren't going too well at the police station. Parks is told to back off because she's raising a stink right before the "Apple Festival" which is a really, really, really big deal. Since her boss is on the take to the corporate ahole (Carl Hart, real estate mogul, played by Corbin Bernsen).

Ah, the Apple Festival. A great excuse to gather a large number of victims in the open at night. Parks and Winslow show up to watch what's going on and they are not disappointed. True Americana. For those of you who have never lived in the US, you should know that a steady lifetime of these kind of festivals is a leading promoter of crazed, insular, anti-social and xenophobic behavior later in life. Just lettin' you know. (I mean, LOOK at the green pastel leisure suit - THAT is the COOLEST GUY IN TOWN.)

You'll probably never guess what's gonna happen at the Apple Festival so I won't ruin it for you. Let's just use one of my favorite canned phrases: hilarity ensues. Well, in a macabre way. It was hilarity to me anyway. I especially liked the bats twittering, growling/squeaking. But Winslow and Parks figure out a way to ruin the bats' fun. Those bastards.

So now the yuppies flee the town and Carl Hart is majorly pissed. He even threatens the corrupt Police Chief. Winslow and Parks, well, you know what's gonna happen there. The next few scenes are pure cheese. At least we get to see the correct people eaten.The movie winds up tying up the lose ends neatly and efficiently without dragging.

This is actually a fun kind of movie and would be appropriate for Halloween parties attended by younger (not too young) children. It's not that bad, even if it is based upon bats (ooo scary).