Bad Movies on the SyFy Channel: Beauty and the Beast

The SyFy channel strikes again.

One note before I begin. The title to this movie is "Beauty and the Beast: A Dark Tale".

Nice. You see, the producer felt so much respect for his audience that he has to scream at them from the very beginning that this, kids, will be a "dark tale". Any skilled writer/artist knows you let the work explain itself - if it can't, then you failed or the audience is too dull. Whoever decided to add the subtitle, well obviously his/her respect for the audience is so low he/she has to TELL US what the tone of the movie will be. See, we're too dumb to figure it out. I might think I'm watching a comedy. Imagine my surprise when a man flies out of a tower to his death. I'm not laughing! What's wrong? I'm so angry!!! I just spit num nums all over the carpet in front of my barcalounger. I'm SUING!!!! But no, the producer, director, head sponge figured he'd help people like me along with putting a colon and a subtitle. "A Dark Tale". So now I know!!! Thanks jerk! Ok my petty bitching is over. For now.

The movie opens with a panning shot of what appears to be an alchemist or witches lab. A narrator tells us he knew the beast. Cut to the death bed of a king (King Maximillion). He's asking about his son - they remind him his son died at birth. He is asked to choose a successor. He is reluctant. Two men pair off to chat in front of an open window. With a quick flick of the wrist the one fellow (Rudolph) shoves the other fellow (his name's not important) out the window, where he has a momentary experience with flight followed by a crash landing. Back to the witches lab, and we see she's watching all through a crystal ball. She decides to make a friend.

Meanwhile in the nearby village we are introduced to our strong female lead discussing the alchemy of laundry. This is of course Belle. She likes wearing a short skirt and we learn right away she's a "modern girl". Total cliche.

Director: David Lister
Cast: Estella Warren, Rhett Giles and Victor Parasco, Vanessa Gray, Tony Bellett, Chris Betts, Rachel Binder, Rachel Clark, Peter Cook, Nicholas G. Cooper, Gabriello Di Labio

Belle is soon saved from wolf attack by the Beast, armed with a cross bow. She confronts him and he uses her for target practice. At least SyFy (well, the production companies really - Limelight International Media Entertainment and Goldrush Entertainment) hasn't shoved CGI down our throats yet since you can tell the Beast is a makeup job and not a bad one at that.

CGI restraint - could this bode well for the movie? Coupled with a rather unexpected and amusing ruthless act in the opening scenes? Could it be something aside from the usual SyFy kick-to-the-movie-viewers-groin I've come to expect? Hmmm.....

Along comes King Rudolph (yes, he's King now thanks to that flick of the wrist and gravity). Belle tells him of her encounter. He vows to help. He's also a lecherous dick and he's striking some kind of deal with the witch (Lady Helen - somewhat of a gothy MILF in the Morticia Adams/LIlly Munster tradition) who pops in and out (not a bad special effect, by the way) and tells him she wants to rule by his side and will help him. Rudolph is resistant (seems he's not quite king yet - he has noblemen to influence, politics, etc).

Rudolph and his men go looking for Beast. They chase him to the outskirts of the village, to a blacksmiths home. He's busy striking an anvil and doesn't notice the Beast climbing into the upper story of his home/barn/shack. Rudolph swings into action, ordering his lackeys to go get him.

Next comes the best lines in the movie. As they observe the antics of Rudolphs men, Belle and speaks to Otto (the narrater).

Otto: They're gonna kill him.
Belle: The Beast? Isn't that a good thing?
Otto: He never did anybody any harm.
Belle: I saw him tear a man's head right from his body!
Otto: So what?

Indeed. So what? I'm beginning to like this movie in spite of myself.

So we get some mayhem scenes and a splash of really, really awful CGI, but to their credit they try to hide it and it's only on screen for a second or less. Note the fx mistake here - it appears there is a rain storm going on INSIDE the barn (look fast, you'll see what I mean). I'm guessing this scene got cobbled together from some recycled footage or something like that. For a minute I was confused and thought I was watching a comedy, but then I reminded myself of the movie title "A Dark Tale" and felt re-assured, less confused, and felt no need to act out in an unpredictable manner.

Sheriff Otto is not feeling well. Looks like he had a heart attack or stroke. Belle console him and we learn that Otto is a little more concerned over Beast than normal. Belle discovers a map and off she goes, being the curious modern girl she is.

While following the map's directions she runs into a patrol of ruthless Rudolph's men. She avoids them easily and later she comes upon a primitive camp made around the ruins of a stone-walled cottage. She enters (they ALWAYS enter), and you can guess what happens.

Beast knows Otto. Belle tells Beast that Otto is sick and is worried about him. We learn a little of the background of Otto and Beast. We also learn that Beast is not the only monster in the woods. Ruthless Rudolph's patrol also learns the same thing. And now we get the bad CGI that these SyFy movies have become infamous for!

After the demise of ruthless Rudolph's patrol, and the dashing of my hopes that I would be safe from bad CGI assault, Belle and Beast spend some quality time together and more of the Beast's tale (sorry, DARK TALE) come to light. Beast isn't a bad acting job - I've seen worse. Belle on the other hand, well, if she didn't wear a leather mini skirt and have a nice rack it would be painful to watch.

Meanwhile back at ruthless Rudolphs castle, we find he needs new servants. Really. The parapats are a freaking mess. Doesn't anyone ever sweep the damn place? Anyway, Lady Helen appears and tells Rudolph that the monster in the forest that killed his men was the new friend she made in the beginning of the film. A troll. She threatens him. Rudolph starts to come around.

In the woods Belle is caught by another patrol when she leaves Beasts hidden camp and they teleport to the castle. Yes. Teleport. Normally a trip through the forest at night (she was supposedly way out there hunting for Beast camp) at a distance from the a medieval castle would take hours and hours to accomplish on horseback without roads, in the dark, etc. This is done in mere seconds.

Rudolph and Lady Helen interrogate Belle and learn of the existence of Beast. Lady Helen is quite upset and unloads the story on Rudolph. He's looking forward to some quality torture time with Belle but talk of a speed bump between him and the throne perks his perverted little ears up.

Now we have a captive beauty. We have a witch. We have an evil Lord bent on rising to the throne. And we have a Beast who is in reality (ok I won't spoil it for you if you can't guess it at this point - I should, because it's a DARK TALE but I won't).

Pay attention to the interior shots of the castle. I mean this is not quality work. The carpenters and masons and stone cutters who put this together weren't paying attention.

Of course Belle escapes (she's a wily, modern girl after all) and we learn she has SUPER HUMAN HEARING. That's right.Then she runs off into the woods. (Keep an eye out for the palm fronds in a European forest.)

So the witch uses a spell to lure Beast to Belle house in the village.Obviously this is a trap. Now we learn Beast has a problem with directions since it takes him all night to reach the village. He could have just asked someone but no. Or maybe HE can't teleport like everyone else. That may be what's making him cranky.

Grating Observation: The sense of time and distance in this movie is by far the most annoying thing of all. People move miles in a blink of an eye. A far off, hidden camp is apparently in the back yard. It wouldn't have taken much to fix this, only a writer with common sense. As we have learned, common sense is notably absent in most of these SyFy movies slapped together for profit first, entertainment second, with no regard for that quality of suspension-of-disbelief that all good fantasy, science fiction and horror movies and stories depend upon. These obvious errors shriek in your face that you are watching something awful. After a while you begin to feel guilty. You could be doing something useful in the time you're wasting on this tripe. Clean the soles of your tennis shoes, for instance. Go shake your fist at clouds. Both would be more satisfying than being subjected to bad writing, bad directing, bad editing, or whatever excuse the maker of this thing would use to justify the blatant problem with time and distance.

Beast is captured and framed with a crime (like they need to frame him) and ruthless Rudolph decides he must be given a trial. Bad move says the witch.

Stuff happens. No one ever changes their clothes or does laundry (and Belle is a washerwoman after all). Bad CGI is thrust in our faces again. We see a jail with a set of wooden bars that couldn't keep a double-chinned accountant trapped for long (but work on Beast). We note Rudolph has an Australian accent (no one else shares that accent). We have bloody scenes of violence. We witness exploding herbal concoctions. And then the ultimate humiliation - Beast forced to sit BEHIND Belle on the horse (yeah his hands were tied so? If she respected him she could have cut them, or he could have bitten through the cord, he is a BEAST after all). Way to emasculate your Beast, Belle.

All through this I have an inescapable reaction the fights my inner sarcasm. I actually am being entertained by this steamy pile. Why is this? I've noted all the laughable errors (well, not all). After turning it all over again and again I reach a possible conclusion.

1. Gothy witch Lady Helen.
2. Leather mini-skirt busty Belle.
3. Good performance by Beast.
4. Most important - a plot that moves quickly (for the most part).

Maybe there was more. There were dead spots, dragging scenes, and some really awful acting that no amount of eye candy can correct. The village is straight out of a Renaissance festival.

Why was I so easily amused? Am I getting sick? Do I have a fever? I will have to meditate upon this (by meditate I mean drink beer and complain to whoever is near me). I am sure of one thing, however.

The Beast/Belle relationship is destined for failure. First there is the dominant female/emasculated male thing going on, this doesn't do so good in our modern era let alone a medieval setting. Then we have the inevitable arguments that will erupt when she sends Beast out for milk or cigarettes. "What the Hell took you so long? I sent you three days ago! Even a child know she can get there and back in thirty seconds! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" Yeah, his inability to navigate large tracts of dense forest land without the ability to teleport like everyone else is sure to become a sticking point. Just a matter of time.