Bad Movies on the SyFy Channel: Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

A giant (mega) shark and a giant (mega) octopus, frozen while locked in mortal combat, are released from a frozen glacier. "They hate each other," someone says along the way. After thawing, both creatures go their separate ways (apparently not hating each other as much as the on-lookers think) and begin dining on unsuspecting humans, boats, oil platforms, whaling ships, submarines and surfers all around the world. Scientists (well, that's what they call themselves in this movie anyway) are brought in to save the day. The only way to do it, obviously, is to force these two giant (or mega) creatures to duke it out again, and this time to the death (logically that would mean one would still be alive to rampage around the globe, which seems to have been overlooked by said "scientists").

Culprit: Asylum Films
Embarrassed Actors: Deborah (Debbie) Gibson, Lorenzo Lamos

From the very beginning of this film an educated person will pick up signs of the train wreck that is coming. Obviously we are in cold waters, arctic waters, because we have a glacier in the background. And we have hammerhead sharks, which are warm water sharks that frequent deep water. This odd mismatch of environment and animal is merely a sign that the madness is beginning.

Zero in on a small submarine (with sexy marine biologist and assistant inside) following a pod of whales. Above is a helicopter on a "secret" mission. While the submarine observes, the pod of whales beings ramming the glacier - because of the nearby sonar buoys (apparently military buoys emitting frequencies that are making the poor whales crazy). The cetacean slam dance causes great pieces of the glacier to fall away, revealing in clear if ripply ice, the beings in the title. Immediately they wake up and swim - apparently forgetting they were locked in combat.

A veritable slew of Baywatch-inspired bad acting ensues. We learn the sexy marine biologist is a "renegade" who stole the minisub from her employer in order to track the pod of whales.

Grating Observation: Ok, now obviously they had to make her a "renegade" to try and get the audience of 20-somethings to like her. I mean, they couldn't possibly like a real scientist, could they? They have to make her EXTREME, a MAVERICK. "Renegade" scientist? Really? How long do you think that career would last. You go girl. Really. No REALLY. YOU GO - no one will trust research being done by a "renegade" scientist so you've shot your career in the head. So much for those college loans - back to stripping you go.

The plot trundles along. Then one of my favorite scenes occurs. An intercontinental flight is passing overhead and a passenger casually looks out the window only to observe the MEGA SHARK IS LEAPING INTO THE AIR AND EATS THE JET. Yes. You read that right.

Cliche idiocy continues to bitch slap the audience (and note the blatant Apple computer product plug) with no regard for the educated member that may have wandered in. This includes a brogue barking protective Irish mentor, childish "we're doing science!" scenes, the obligatory "no it can't be a megalodon" argument, another "renegade" scientist (an Japanese, hitting as many ethno-bases as possible), a mysterious videotape with footage of the megalodon and the octopus (and we learn the sexy oceanographer/maring biologist can't tell the difference between a squid and an octopus).

A battleship is dispatched to attack the shark. You can guess how this ends up.(HINT: The captain's last word is "NOOOOOOOOOooooooooo.....", which is what I was screaming at different times throughout this ordeal).

The renegade team of scientists is taken under government control to figure out how to destroy the shark (and the "military" guy who is in charge of them even has a cute little pony tale - see kids, they're all hip in this movie!). More "we're doing science!" scenes. Hot oceanographer/marine biologist and Japanese dude get it on (this geek love is particularly nauseating to watch, particularly the geeky afterglow talk where they make a BREAKTHROUGH!!!).

After figuring out how to lure them together they go to work (more "we're doing science!" scenes complete with glow-in-the-dark fluids). The octopus manages to destroy a jet with a leisurely swing of the tentacle.

In here somewhere occurs my favorite line in the movie, "every scientist faces something like this sooner or later". That's all I will say about that. Perhaps to some this comment makes sense but all I could think of was "yes, indeed, every scientist sooner or later needs to combat giant prehistoric creatures released into our world". Arg (see "screaming NOOOOoooo....", above).

The intrepid scientists put their plan into action. (You may notice the Irish guy is attempting to pull off some kind of Sean Connery imitation, but ignore it, it will probably just make you mad.) Of course their plan has a bug in it and they get stuck in the same zone as the bait being used to lure the beasts (of course, dont'cha know). We have the cliche "wait for it" comment (or something close enough). Goofy CGI (I mean silly, goofy, CGI) shark being shot at by surface artillery on another battleship. (I realize at this point that megalodons have stealth avoidance they can use when threatened - bet you didn't know that eh?)

Shark attacks battleship. Shark attacks Golden Gate bridge. Intrepid scientists look all worried. I begin to actually feel brain cells dying. A lesser man would pray for death at some point in the slog toward the finish line, but I've become calloused over time. I stare, transfixed by the spectacle, the stock footage, goofy shark, goofy octopus, Baywatch acting, chase scene between the title characters and a submarine, more Baywatch acting, sexy oceanographer/marine biologist punches military guy, Irish guy takes the helm of the submarine ... omg it goes on and on ...

And finally both goofy CGI critters get together with growls and goofy thrashing ... and just like that it's over. I won't tell you who won. If you sat through the movie this far, you know who lost anyway.

The Crime: Once again the SyFy channel - a serial offender - produces one of the absolute worst examples of science fiction the world has ever seen. The mere fact it is put in the science fiction category is a crime. The amount of real science fiction contained in this movie is approximately the same amount as contained within "My Little Mermaid". It shames the producers, the actors, and I still feel dirty from watching it.

What You Can Do: Avoid this movie. If you are very wealthy please purchase it, and the rights, and burn all copies.